


To Keep His Sammy

by hunters_retreat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Always looking out for Sam, Damaged Dean, Dubious Consent because this is Sam, M/M, Shapeshifters suck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-16
Updated: 2009-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-04 15:56:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5339912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hunters_retreat/pseuds/hunters_retreat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean was too afraid of what he’d do to keep his brother from leaving.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Keep His Sammy

 

  
He’s not sure what he expected, but he knew something was coming.  Sam had been watching him all day in the car, wanting to say something but holding himself in check.  Really, it should be Dean checking on him because yeah, he just had to shoot himself but it was Sam’s friend who was in trouble.  He wanted to ask Sam if he was okay, if he really wanted to be where he was, but he couldn’t.  He was too afraid of the answer and too afraid of what he’d do to keep his brother from leaving him again if Stanford was what he wanted.

 

 

Silence rained in the car and Dean felt no need to disrupt the storm with music that would only make Sam aware of how much he hated the imposing absence.  Sam caught onto things like that faster than their father ever had and it’d taken a while to remember it when Sam first took to the road with him again.  There had been too many aborted conversations where Dean had walked away rather than discuss why he needed his music so loud or why he was suddenly craving chili fries and had to stop.  Dad wouldn’t have noticed.  Sam knew the signs of Dean seeking comfort in the things he could and he’d had to remind himself time and again to stop looking for them.  He had Sam now.  He had to take care of his brother and stop looking out for himself.

 

 

The motel was like any other in the long line of roofs over their heads.  It kept them dry and warm and did very little in the way of making any other impression.  For a while when they were younger Sammy had made a list of the worst decors in the history of American Hotels.  Dean looked around at the room’s brown and tan walls with horse prints.  It didn’t make the list but Dean was pretty sure it was just because this one was actually clean.

 

 

“Home sweet home.”  Dean said with a smile as he threw his bag on the bed closest to the door. 

 

 

Sam entered behind him, dropping a bag of food on the table before dropping his clothes on the other bed.  “Think it’s too late to call Rebecca and ask to stay with her tonight?”  Sam grinned at him, taking away the sting of the words but he must have seen the flash of hurt because even while Dean was turning away he was moving.  “It’s just… bet they had some decent water pressure for a shower.”

 

 

Dean nodded, knowing what Sam was trying to say but it didn’t help the tightness in his chest.  That world, with Rebecca and Zack, that was Sam’s world.  It was the place Sam wanted to be and the life he’d return to when they’d seen to his revenge.  He refused to dwell on what type of person it made him when he hoped Sam never got his revenge, that their father never did either.  This was his life and he’d made a good one of it, learning to love the feel of the road, the adventure that waited at each turn, the never ending hunt for the wicked that preyed on the innocent.  He loved his father, his car and his music, his guns and weapons and the clothes on his back.  He loved doing the right thing and helping people even as he broke whatever laws he needed to do it.  Above anything else though, he loved Sam and even if it broke him into a hundred pieces, he’d let his brother go back to that other life if it was what made him happy.

 

 

Sam didn’t need to know that.  He didn’t need to know how hard it had been for Dean when he’d left, how long it had taken Dean to make the effort to voice his needs after that.  In some ways, he supposed it had been a good thing.  His father had looked ready to kill after Sam left and when Dean lost himself, his father had remembered who he was and taken care of him, kept him going until the need to help others, the need to think of something besides Sam, got him out of himself and back into the game. 

 

 

Sam threw himself into his food the way he always did when he was trying to work something out in his head.  He hated the idea that he was trying to work Dean out in his head, but he was pretty sure that’s what it was from the way Sam kept eyeing him.  He did his best to ignore it as he took his own seat at the table, taking a sip of his soda before digging into the burger that waited him.

 

 

Their earlier silence came back as they ate dinner and Dean just hurried through, hoping to get to the shower before whatever Sam was working at hit the fan.  It was something pretty intense, he could tell from the way Sam’s face morphed while he ate; the furrowed brow and the faint frown.  There was no way to tell what this was about.  Stanford and the life he’d left behind weren’t the only things Sam could be thinking about, even if they were the only ones that Dean was caught up in.  He could be fretting about Dean shooting himself in the form of the skinwalker.  He could be fretting over Rebecca and Zach and how they’d deal with knowing about the supernatural now that it had invaded their lives.  He could be worried about the things the skinwalker said.  He hoped it was something other than that really.  The last thing he wanted to do was talk about what that freak had to say about him.

 

 

He snorted because really, who was he calling a freak?  He traveled the states looking for the evil that made other people scream in terror.  He lived for his brother and his hunt and never let himself live beyond that moment in time because there was just too much emptiness for him if he thought about it too long.  Freak?  He looked at Sam who was watching him closely and shook his head.  Yeah, freak, because no one should believe the world revolved so closely around someone else’s happiness.  Dean knew it, knew that his preoccupation with Sam’s well being was unhealthy, but it was who he was and he couldn’t care enough about his own wellbeing to change that.

 

 

“I need a shower.”  He said, tossing the napkin on top of his half eaten burger before getting away from the table.  He could see Sam’s mouth open as if to say something but he didn’t give him time to do it before he was shutting the bathroom door firmly between them.  He felt a small reassurance in the click that came, knowing that no matter how much Sam wanted to say something he wouldn’t invade the bathroom space.  It was the only privacy they’d ever been given, time alone in the bathroom, and he’d let Dean have that unless something life threatening came knocking and only then if he couldn’t handle it himself with some rock salt and holy water. 

 

 

He took a few minutes to just get his bearings.  If Sam was taking off again, then he was and there was nothing Dean could do to stop it.  He thought he’d accepted it, thought he’d put it behind him when he realized Sam was just out for revenge but he was either very good at lying to himself, or it just still hurt that much.  He pushed the thought away as he reached over and started the shower.  He let the water get good and hot before stripping away the day’s grime and stepping under the spray.  It wasn’t as good as Rebecca’s shower probably was, but it wasn’t bad and for once he didn’t try to save some hot water for Sam. 

 

 

His head wasn’t really any clearer when he stepped out of the bathroom, towel around his waist and clothes left in a dirty pile on the bathroom floor.  Sam was watching him as he rifled through his bag, looking for something wearable.  They needed to do some laundry but he wanted more miles between them and the skinwalker before he agreed to stop for something like that.  “S’all yours Sam.”  He called out to his brother as he found a pair of boxers and a tee shirt clean enough to sleep in.

 

 

He was about to drop the towel when Sam was suddenly there, standing in his space looking pissed and hurt and a couple other things Dean was sure he’d have to deal with once the pain and anger were gone.  First things first though.

 

 

“Sam.”  He said, voice calm and cool.

 

 

Sam took a step forward and he was almost chest to chest with Dean.  Dean took a step back trying to get some room to breath, but as he did so Sam just stepped with him, the atmosphere oppressive and menacing. 

 

 

“Do you have any idea what it was like for me?”  He asked.

 

 

Dean wasn’t sure what exactly Sam was talking about so he didn’t answer, just waited for the anvil that was about to drop on his head and wished just once he wasn’t the coyote trying to catch up to Sam’s roadrunner.

 

 

“Do you know what it was like to hear him say those things, to have his hands on me like… like that?”

 

 

Jesus.  He knew that he’d been unconscious for a while and he’d woken to Sam and that thing talking but he didn’t want to think what else he’d missed.  “What did he do to you Sam?”  He asked, his own anger rising at the thought.

 

 

Sam pushed Dean back into the wall and Dean stumbled, only Sam’s hands on his chest keeping him from falling to the floor.  “What did he do?”  Sam asked, pressing even closer.  He could feel Sam’s chest rising against his own, feel the heat of his body even through Sam’s clothes.  Sam’s cheek rasped against his own, his lips stopping a breath away from Dean’s ear.  “Nothing more than you will Dean, but his eyes...” he could hear Sam’s breathing, coming short and fast.  “What he wanted to do Dean… God the things I knew he wanted to do, the things…”  Sam swallowed before continuing, his voice shattered and broken.  “The things I’ve wanted you to do…”

 

 

Dean tried to pull away but he was already against a wall.  Sam pressed his full body into Dean as if knowing he was trying to get away.  “I kept thinking you couldn’t be dead Dean, not before this, not before I got this chance.  I prayed you were still alive so I could make you understand.”

 

 

He pulled his face back, looking at Dean whose eyes were wide in panic and fear.  He had an idea of what was going on, knew that he himself had walked a pretty dangerous path in his need to be everything Sam needed, but he’d found his way clear of those feelings a long time ago.  Or so he’d thought.  He licked his suddenly dry lips and took a deep breath.  “Sammy, come on.  I’m here, I’m okay.” 

 

 

Now he wished more than anything this had just been about Sam wanting to head back to Stanford and law school and the girl with 2.5 kids. 

 

 

Sam leaned closer again, his eyes blown black with lust and need and never looking away from Dean as he brought his lips to Dean’s.  The kiss wasn’t passionate.  Sam didn’t try to deepen it, didn’t try to force anything further.  When he pulled away the corner of his lips turned up in a slight smirk.  “I know you want this Dean.  I know you want it as much as I do, and I’m going to give it to you right now.”

 

 

He felt Sam pull the towel away from his waist and no matter how much his head was screaming no, his cock was rock hard and screaming yes so loud that apparently Sam could hear it.

 

 

“Sam, no.  I don’t want this.”

 

 

Sam reached between them, letting his body up just enough that his fingers could wrap around Dean, stroking him lightly.  “Oh no?”

 

 

“Sam, I said no.”

 

 

“And I said yes Dean.” 

 

 

He leaned in again, this time kissing the skin just beneath Dean’s ear.  It was a sensitive spot and Dean had to bite his lip to keep from making any encouraging sounds.  Sam kept at it, his fingers still stroking Dean until Dean brought his hands up to Sam’s chest and shoved hard enough to force his brother back a few steps. 

 

 

He pushed past Sam who reached out to grab him.  He caught one arm to spin Dean and as he did, Dean reared around and hit him.  Sam went stumbling back into the wall Dean had been pinned to and Dean grabbed his clothes and went to hide in the bathroom again.  He dressed quickly just in case Sam followed this time, but then he grabbed the edge of the sink, lowering his head as he did so.  He was shaking.  Honest to god shaking and he was afraid to look too far to see if it was adrenaline, fear, or desire. 

 

 

Yeah, he’d had those feelings at one time, but Sam had never shown any interest before he left for Stanford and Dean was sure he hadn’t let on to Sam that he had.  He’d moved past it, knew it was wrong and twisted, another in a long line of things to lay at his father’s feet if their lifestyle hadn’t been so necessary to protect his little brother.

 

 

He thought about staying in there all night, but there was no noise in the outer room and Dean was almost afraid of what he’d find when he went out there.  He had to though, had to make sure Sam was alright and hadn’t run out on him for this.

 

 

Panic reared it’s head as soon as he thought of Sam running and he slammed the door open, storming into the room, only to find Sam sitting on his bed, cradling an ice pack to his face and looking completely lost.  Dean ignored him, thankful that it didn’t look like Sam was about to pounce on him again.  He didn’t know what to do with what had happened, but he was a pro at ignoring what he didn’t want to see and he was giving it his best now.  “I’m going to sleep.”  He grumbled, not looking at Sam as he turned the light off and slid between the sheets. 

 

 

He turned away from Sam, staring at the door as he waited for the feeling of being watched to leave, but it didn’t.  He knew Sam was staring at him but he couldn’t call him on it, couldn’t talk now with everything that had happened.  He could choke on all the things they hadn’t said to one another tonight and he had no desire to prove it to Sam. 

 

 

He heard Sam’s frustrated exhale of breath, then the slowing of his breathing, then finally the resigned sigh that he hoped admitted defeat.  He was just beginning to relax when he felt the bed behind him dip as Sam slid in between the sheets with him. 

 

 

He didn’t move, too afraid of what he’d do if he did and half hoping this was somehow Sam trying to apologize, to prove that he was over whatever had happened before.  Instead, he felt Sam’s hand grip his hip and his lips kiss lightly at the skin at the nape of his neck.  “Dean…” his voice was still broken and nothing that Dean had a defense against.  “Please, Dean, I need you.  I need this from you.”

 

 

He didn’t wait for Dean’s response before his hand was trailing over the skin of his stomach, moving up to his hip again and down his thigh before trailing back up.  His lips moved across Dean’s skin, and Sam’s hand gripped his hip tightly again before his body pressed Dean forward until he was on his stomach on the mattress. 

 

 

He was about to push back, about to try to move away when he heard Sam’s sob, felt him shaking against him.  “Sammy…” He said, looking over his shoulder at his brother.  Sam moved over him then, his lips crashing into Dean’s even at the awkward angle.  Dean let him in, let Sam’s tongue thrust into his mouth and tried to catch the sob that was threatening to overtake his own body. 

 

 

He didn’t want this, didn’t want to turn this thing between he and Sam into something  they couldn’t come back from, but he couldn’t leave Sam like that, broken and needing when it was something that Dean could give him.  He would break himself to do this, he knew, but it was a choice he willingly made.  Sam made desperate noises in the back of his throat as his hips thrust against Dean.  Dean swallowed them all as he shifted, pushed back enough that he could lay on his back with Sam pressing on top of him. 

 

 

One of Sam’s hands reached between them, pushing at Dean’s boxers until they were half way down his thighs.  Dean helped kick them off until he was stripped of them.  Sam attacked his shirt then, pulling it off in a quick sweep and Dean was left naked and more vulnerable than he’d ever felt in his life.

 

 

Sam looked down at him with hungry eyes and he looked away, too afraid of what Sam would read in his own.  Pain?  Fear?  Desire?  He didn’t want Sam to see any of them, to think that he was the cause of any of it.  Protect Sam, that’s what he had to do, the job his father had given him.  Only somewhere in the last few months it had become keep Sam and he knew now exactly what he’d do to keep his brother with him.

 

 

Sam didn’t seem to notice the way he averted his eyes or he didn’t care as he dropped to kiss Dean again.  Dean might not have been with a man before, but kissing was something he was able to do.  Kissing he could fall into.  He couldn’t pretend it was someone else, not with Sammy the center of his universe, but he could relax into the sensations.

 

 

Sam’s tongue thrust into his mouth and he brought his hands up, cupping Sam’s face and holding him so that he could work his way into that mouth.  Sam’s desperate movements stilled at Dean’s insistent and careful caresses.  The kiss lost some of it’s desperation but Sam’s hands still held him with the fear that he’d run if given the chance. 

 

 

Sam couldn’t keep still for long though and even as Dean kissed him, Sam’s grip loosened on Dean’s hips and worked its way to his cock.  Dean moaned into Sam’s mouth, unable to stop it.  Sam took it as encouragement and began pumping his brother’s cock lightly, soft and slow strokes that were working Dean back to his earlier hardness. 

 

 

When Sam broke the kiss it was to rest his forehead against Dean’s.  “God, do you know how long I’ve wanted to do this Dean?”

 

 

Dean didn’t answer, didn’t trust his voice not to betray him now that his body was responding to Sam’s ministrations. 

 

 

“All I could think about after we buried Jess was how I needed to be buried in you, how wrong it was that I could want that for so long and yet she was the one that died.”

 

 

He looked up at Dean then and he knew Sam saw the loss and fear there because Sam flipped him suddenly, pinning Dean on his stomach as his hands worked heated paths down his back to his thighs.  “When that thing was touching me, I kept thinking what it would be like to have you do it Dean, to have you wanting me like that.” 

 

 

Sam’s hands disappeared suddenly as Sam shifted above him but Dean knew better than to move.  Whatever Sam had planned wasn’t done yet.  He heard a zipper behind him and knew where his little brother had gone, and why.

 

 

“I know you used to.”  He appeared again, pressing him forward with his body, his mouth at Dean’s ear.  “You used to want me Dean and I wanted you even then, but I wanted normal too.”  As he said it Dean felt Sam’s slicked fingers rolling across his balls before moving to his entrance. 

 

 

“Sammy…” his voice broke, his reluctance and fear there for Sam to witness.

 

 

“Shhh…” Sam said as a single finger pressed inside him.  “I’ll take care of you Dean.  Take care of you as good as you take care of me tonight.”

 

 

Something in Sam’s tone was off and it scared Dean a little, but it was Sam and what Sam needed Dean was willing to do tonight.  As long as it kept Sam with him, kept Sam happy, he would be anything tonight.

 

 

“When you came back I knew I wasn’t ever going to be normal again Dean.”  He said, working his finger in and out of Dean.  It felt odd, not good and certainly not the pain he’d expected but just weird.

 

 

A second finger joined the first and it burned but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle.  “Knew I wanted you more than anything else Dean, knew I needed you in ways I shouldn’t.  But I knew you didn’t anymore.  Knew that I’d missed my chance because all you saw was your kid brother who’d left you.”

 

 

He pushed in hard with those words, his fingers fucking into Dean fast and vicious.  He angled his hand just so though and Dean’s world went white for a minute as pleasure exploded around Sam’s fingers. 

 

 

“Fuck…” he groaned out and Sam laughed bitterly. 

 

 

“God Dean, the way you sound.”  When he slid a third finger in all Dean could do was press back against him.  Pleasure made him ache and his need to surrender this to Sam made him do things he’d never thought of before.  He’d always been the one in charge when it came to sex but surrendering his control to Sam was unlike anything he’d ever experienced.  He trusted Sam, even if he tried not to think of the complications this was bound to bring up. 

 

 

“Please… Sam….”

 

 

And that was all he needed to say before Sam pulled his fingers free.  Dean wanted to watch Sam, wanted to see him, but Sam pushed him back into the mattress when he tried to move.  Sam pulled him up onto all fours though and Dean went willingly.  When Sam pressed his cock to Dean, he tightened, waiting for the pain.  Instead of pushing in though, Sam ran his hands across Dean’s back, down his thighs and his ass.  “Relax for me Dean.”  He said in soothing tones that were so far removed from the atmosphere of the night.  He couldn’t help but respond to the touch though and when he felt himself fall into the feel of those hands, suddenly Sam was pushing into his body.

 

 

He willed himself to stay relaxed but it wasn’t until Sam’s hand came around and began stroking him that he could actually do it.  Pleasure covered the pain and soon he was pushing down into Sam’s hand and slightly back on his cock.  Sam shivered and began shifting his hips slightly at first, then abandoning Dean’s cock all together to hold onto his hips and thrust desperately into him. 

 

 

Tears filled Dean’s eyes because he knew there was no turning back, no way to stop this again.  There was no way to keep Sam from wanting this and no way to go back for himself either.  Sam’s cock, filling him, his hands forcing pleasure from his body, there was no way to look at Sam without that now.  Whatever he thought he’d protected his brother from in the past, he had released it now and he couldn’t stop. 

 

 

“Yeah Sammy…” he heard himself saying under his breath.  “harder…”  He pushed back into Sam’s hips, forced Sam deeper inside him as Sam found the perfect angle.  He moaned as Sam hit his prostrate and Sam held him still, pistoning in and out until Dean’s legs were trembling with the pleasure and pressure of building release. 

 

 

Sam reached around again then, taking Dean in hand.  He stroked once, twice, and then Dean was coming harder than he ever had.  Sam’s hand milked him through it and then it was back on his hips as he thrust in again, harder and faster until his rhythm stumbled with his release.

 

 

Sam went still against him, the collapsed, trapping Dean against the mattress again.  When he pulled out Dean moaned against the pain and the loss though he would never admit the second to anyone. 

 

 

Everything was different now and he didn’t know what to do about it, what to say.  There had to be an appropriately sarcastic comment but he couldn’t find it.

 

 

“I was never going to leave you Dean.”  Sam said in his ear as he pulled Dean onto his side, spooning his against his stomach.  “I can’t leave you.  You’re all that I have.”

 

 

He closed his eyes against the tears again, keeping them buried inside where they needed to be.  He’d surrendered this want, this need to Sam, but it didn’t mean he didn’t know just how fucked up it was.  He couldn’t let Sam know that though, couldn’t let him think Dean was anything other than willing.  “You’re all I have too Sammy.”  He managed to say finally.

 

 

When Sam kissed the back of his neck he didn’t shutter, but pressed back into him.  Maybe, over time he’d find a way to make this okay, to make himself forget why this was wrong and what it was costing him.  Maybe, he’d find a way to forget his revulsion and be with Sam without guilt and fear.  Until then, he had Sam and having Sam was more important than his own happiness.  Sam was his everything and even if it meant destroying himself it was worth it, worth the pain and fear and doubt just to keep his Sammy. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://leonidaslion.livejournal.com/profile)[leonidaslion](http://leonidaslion.livejournal.com/) 's birthday! Happy Birthday! Hope you enjoy! Prompt was a Toppy!Sam and a Reluctant! Dean.


End file.
